Epilogue

I feel as though I am a fairly self aware person, so this whole blogging thing was not too difficult for me. I know how I feel most of the time. However, the knowledge that people would be reading my thoughts made me a little apprehensive about going all out with some of my posts. I feel like one of the biggest things I learned through this blogging experience is that I do care what people say about me, even though I might not admit it. This does not mean I am going to change myself to fit into whatever role people want me to be in, but I esteem the opinions of others to some capacity.
I would like to reduce the amount of overall anxiety in my life. I do not know that this is something that will happen any time soon, but it is a long term goal to work on.
One of the hardest subjects for me to write about is myself. I often feel like I am too close to the picture to get an accurate idea about what is really going on in my life. This blogging experience has allowed me to reflect a lot, which is helpful in order for one to know themselves.
Hesitant- Before I do something I plan out exactly what I will do and ponder what the outcome will be. Even when I know there won't be negative results, I worry something will go wrong.
Sassy- I can be fairly sassy, so much so in fact, when I asked for a word that summed me up, one of my peers offered the word.
Weird- I feel like any example of this would eliminate all meaning of it, so I will leave it at this.

A Fine Line

Bad:

1. Anxiety: Phone, Social, anything dealing with the Future.
2. I am too hard on myself.
3. I procrastinate.
4. I complain quite a bit.
5. I have terrible handwriting.
6. I know a lot about TV.
7. I don't know how to accept compliments.
8. I don't voice my emotions. If I am actually upset about something I don't tell people.
9. I have a tendency to be insensitive to other's emotions.
10. I finished the bad column before I was a third of the way done with the good.

Good:

1. I can take a joke.
2. I don't surround myself with people I don't want to be around.
3. I am of average intelligence or higher.
4. I have good taste in books, TV, movies, et cetera.
5. I value people.
6. I know a lot about TV.
7. I am a decent cook.
8. I am open-minded.
9. I am spontaneous. For example, I started typing this without an example of how I am spontaneous.
10. I know when to be serious and when to crack a joke.

Valuable Lessons

1.) Every single person you encounter in life knows something you don't and has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes.

2.) There are always going to be people who focus on the negative and point it out to you. You have to ask yourself "is this person between me and what I want to do?" If the answer is no, ignore them completely. Do not surround yourself with this negativity and don't let it define you.

3.) Do not surround yourself with apathy. Passion is a dying element in our society and having it is important.

4.) Procrastinating isn't completely bad. Working under pressure is how some people do their best work.

5.) It's okay to be bat at math. Everyone has things they're good at and things they're bad at.

6.) Being different is not wrong.

7.) Two people can just not like each other, sometimes for seemingly no reason. Don't dwell on the relationships that don't work, but rather spend time improving those that do.

8.) There is a classification of people known as geeks. These people are some of the coolest people you will ever meet. Don't let the label scare you.

9.) The mentality that everyone who is not exactly like you is a toxic mentality to have, and those with that mentality are not people to surround yourself or emulate.

10.) The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.

11.) Enjoying things you like is not wasting your life. Enjoying things is the exact opposite of wasting your life. I don’t care if what you like to do is stare at digital clocks or ceiling fans. Immersing yourself in your interests cannot be measured in value.

Creating A List and Checking It Twice

People who have influenced me

1. My mom
2. My grandpa
3. Mrs. Charles
4. My brother
5. Tina Fey
6. Amy Poehler
7. Georgie (my Texan best friend)

Places that make me happy

1. My room
2. Hawaii
3. This spot on our property that's secluded and peaceful in a way that I can't describe
4. New York
5. My grandparents' house
6. Megan's house
7. The Internet

Places I would like to go

1. New York
2. Ireland
3. Greece
4. Chicago
5. Alaska
6. The moon
   
7. Rome
   

Things in people that I like

1. Intelligence
2. Passion
3. Eloquence
4. Effervescence
5. Simplicity
6. Sass
7. A good laugh
8. Wittiness
9. Eccentricity
   

Things in people that I dislike

1. Ignorance
2. Arrogance
3. Apathy
4. Chronic Lateness
5. Prejudice
6. Misogyny
7. Closed mindedness 
8. Hypocrites, though even writing that is slightly acting upon the word

Things that worry me

1. Talking on the phone
2. The inequality still present in the "Land of the Free"
3. Ordering food at restaurants
4. Sounding like an ignoramus
5. The lack of caring present in society
6. Season finales
7. NBC having the power to cancel my shows
8. Being more invested in a relationship that the other person
9. People like Marcum.

Things I would like to know how to do

1. Draw
2. Convey my ideas in a way that makes sense to others
3. Socially function like a normal person
4. Improv
5. Play the piano
6. Photoshop
7. Write a screenplay
   

Things that have moved me

1. The Chuck Series finale
2. The Fault In Our Stars
3. NBC
4. This Picture
5. The talks I have with Georgie
6.  Community
7. If this question is supposed to be literal, then my parents

Ideas that intrigue me 

1. Male privilege
2. Everyone is looking for a magic solution to their problem but they all refuse to believe in magic.
3. There are 7 billion people in the world and out of all of them, there are people who choose to be around me
4. How much punctuation can change a sentence
5. Everyone on this planet has experienced different things and all react differently to them
6. SciFi shows and movies
7. The endlessness of the Universe and the fact that in all of it I was put here
   

My personal favorites 

1. TV,  in case you hadn't already guessed that
2. Sweater weather
3. Disney movies
4. Fairy tales, especially those with a bit of a different take than the original (think Once Upon a Time)
5. Space
6. Mean Girls
7. John Green
8. Indie Music

Gone But Never Forgotten

1. I'm worried that I've screwed something up for you. I'm truly sorry if this is the case. I worry about everything though, so I wouldn't look too much into it.
2. I'm currently planning to be a writer or an actress for TV. If this hasn't worked out, I understand.
3. I grow more and more in love with the idea of New York City every day. 
4. I have no clue where I am going to college or what I will do there. Hopefully by now you've figured that out.
5. I'm currently preparing for a play, which is really fun. I hope you've done more of that.
6. I have severe anxiety. I hope you've figured that out.
7. I really like TV. 30 Rock ended a few months ago, I am sure you remember what that was like.
8. I love music. I am almost positive you haven't forgotten that, but if you have here's your reminder.
9. I am super busy all of the time. I can only wish that you've gotten that out of your system. Being home once in awhile is nice and I hope you're able to do that.
10. You are a procrastinator because of me, and I apologize for that. I've expected too much of myself these past 11 years in school, and when I can't achieve that, I become disheartened and now I have a tendency to put off that failure as long as possible. Maybe you've grown out of that, but I think it's a safe bet that you haven't.
11. I love to write. Hopefully you have not abandoned that desire.
12. I hope you continue to learn from every experience you have. 
13. Remember The Fault in Our Stars. It has taught me a lot about life in general and it has been a big part of your life.
14. Boredom is useless. This is such a big world and you haven't seen any of it really.
15. Don't forget how beautiful simplicity is. Little things make life worth living.
16. Remember to watch people. Little things they do can help you learn so much about them, and that's a wonderful thing.
17. You currently wear a lot of neutral colors. Whites and greys make up a lot of your wardrobe.
18. In 2013, you were nervous about all of the years to come. Hopefully you have grown out of that.
19. Remember that everyone has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes.
20. You quote a lot of TV. Please tell me you haven't changed that.

Never Say Goodbye

Goodbye is one of the most heartbreaking words a person can say. In fact, even though the common farewell in France is au revoir, they also use “vous manquez de moi” as a common way to say goodbye, which means “you are missing from me.” Which I think is a very true representation of why goodbye is such a hard thing to say. To be separated from someone important to you is never easy.

The hardest farewell that I have ever experienced was actually a time I did not say goodbye at all. My grandpa had been feeling under the weather for a few weeks before my grandma finally took him to the hospital. It was no big deal really, the doctors told my family that they just wanted to keep him over night to double check and make sure everything was okay. Early that morning, my grandma got a call that they had moved my grandpa to a new floor, but the details were not shared. When they went to the hospital that day, the elevator doors opened to the words “Intensive Care Unit.”

My dad called me out of school that day to drive to Springfield with my brother. We still were not really sure what was going on, just that my grandpa had taken a turn for the worst that night.

When we finally arrived, the ICU was closed. For the first few hours, we joined my family in the waiting room until we could go in. When we were able to go in, my brother, dad, and I visited with my grandpa for only a few short minutes. I do not remember a lot from that conversation, but I do remember one thing he said to me. He told me not to give up what I love. I feel like this is a fitting example of my relationship with my grandpa. He always encouraged what I love, even when I did not think I could do it.

As we were leaving, I remember smiling through tears that threatened to spill as I said, “See you later, Grandpa.” Had I known that those would have been my last words to the man that meant so much to my life, I would have made them better. I would have told him how much I appreciated the support he was for me, the laughter he brought to my life, and most importantly I would have thanked him for being the most wonderful grandpa a girl could ask for.

That is the thing about goodbyes though; you never know when they will be permanent. The fact that you might never see someone again is a hard thing to accept, and I think that is why goodbye is so hard. The dooming sense of permanency is one that is incredibly difficult to handle. So even though he is missing from me, I will see my grandpa later, and that makes all of this just a little bit easier.

In Other Words

"Try to keep your mind open to possibilities and your mouth closed on matters that you don't know about. Limit your 'always' and your 'nevers.' Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken. Don't treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. And don't try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a Batman with a limited-edition silver bat-erang and therefore if it stays in its original packing it increases in value."

-Amy Poehler

“If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough."

-Lowell Lundstrom

When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question:"Is this person in between me and what do I want to do?" If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you're in charge, don't hire the people who were jerky to you.

-Tina Fey

“It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.”

-Tina Fey

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.”

-H. Jackson Brown

"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."

-William Shedd

“Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing."

-Snow White (Once Upon A Time) 

"Everyone wants some magical solution to their problem and everyone refuses to believe in magic."

-Mad Hatter (Once Upon A Time) 

"Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't."

-Bill Nye

“'I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.'” 

-Louis C.K.

"Our religion, laws, customs, are all founded on the belief that woman was made for man.” 

-Elizabeth Cady Stanton

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”

-Augustus Waters The Fault in Our Stars

“Without pain, how could we know joy?' This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering and its stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not, in any way, affect the taste of chocolate.”

-The Fault in Our Stars